Suckster! Suckster!

Suckster! Suckster!
Suckster!

Suckster! Suckster!

- What a schmuck.
- Don't worry, Chris. You're gonna be fine.

Well, it looks like I was

- in the right place at the right time, Miss...
- Yeah.

Palamino?
Jamie Palamino.

- Dusty Dinkleman?
- Yeah.

Actually, I go by
"Dusty Lee" now, but yeah.

- "Dutty Nee?"
- Thanks for saving me.

Yay, Dusty!

- You remember Chris Brander?
- Eeh.

- Boo...
- Oh, yeah.

Seen better days, I guess, pal?

Hey, listen, I don't
want to make this weird,

but you look incredible.

- So do you.
- Really glad you dropped in.

Cool...

Sorry about that, buddy.

Here we go.

Late '20s.
Male Caucasian

with multiple lacerations on lower
mandible and possible concussion.

Transport en route,
over.

- 10-4.
- So, Jamie,

- you still living in town?
- Oh, yeah, I just moved back.

Oh, really?
Me too.

- It's a small world.
- No kidding.

Jeez, you know,

I cannot get over
how great you look.

Oh, pfft. Me?
Look at you!

Yeah, I guess
my skin cleared up

and I lost my stammer,

but I still play
a mean guitar.

I'm actually only doing this part-time
till I can make it in music.

You know, Chris is in the music business
too. He could probably help you.

Oh, hey.
Easy there, Gretzky.

You know, we should hang out,
you know, have lunch sometime?

I would love
to have lunch.

Um, where can I give you
my phone number?

Just write it on this.

Jamie Palamino.

This is bullshit!

You haven't aged a peep.

What do you know
about Dusty Dinkleman?

- You mean Dusty Lee?
- Yeah.

Works in the building,
drives ambulance. Why?

Well check this out.
So I'm out with Jamie again...

Another day date?

Yes. Anyway,

we're having
a great time

and then Dusty shows up
out of nowhere,

and then Jamie
gives him her number.

Hey, didn't Dusty have like
a huge crush on Jamie?

Yeah, you got some

competition there, Chris.
I mean, Dusty is a really nice guy.

Yeah, well Jamie
doesn't date nice guys.

She puts them in
the friend zone

and then tortures
the shit out of them.

I don't know. Jamie's come
a long way since high school.

I think she
might be maturing.

Maturing?

So that's why
she went with Dusty.

She wants
a sensitive guy...

more like the old me.

Well, if she wants
Mr. Rogers,

then I'm going
to show her

the biggest pussy
she's ever seen.

Yeah.

Okay, we're done.
Now...

you're gonna need to wear this
for the next few days

until those stitches
are ready to come out.

And here you go.
Just like your old yearbook picture.

¶ Feel my love from afar. ¶

Come in!

- Can I come in?
- I just said that.

I brought magazines.

Ugh, these are old.

- Flowers?
- Those are daisies.

- How about snacks?
- Carbs? Are you kidding me?

I can't eat that crap.

I'm just trying
to be helpful.

Well you're not.
So vamoose.

- I guess I'll just leave you now.
- No, wait wait.

I'm sorry I'm being
such a biatch.

It's just that I'm supposed
to be in Paris and I'm not,

and I'm going out of my mind
with boredom!

I mean, my Sidekick
broke and l...

I haven't had sex
in, like, forever.

And I'm so horny.

I'm horny.

Wait a minute.

- How old are you?
- I'm 22... 20... 19...

I'm... I'm 18.

Eighteen.

So do you really have
my poster on your wall?

- Yeah.
- Do you ever like...

All the time.

How many times in a day?

- Eight.
- Eight?!

Eight? Oh my God,
that's hot.

- You're hot.
- I know, I know.

- Oh, ow.
- Are you okay?

Oh, my back
is killing me.

Oh, I could
give you a massage.

Oh, would you mind?

Not at all.

- I'm naked.
- You're naked.

Do you have any oil?

Right back.

What took you
so long?

- Show me what you've got, baby.
- Okay.

Baby, ooh!

Ooh, more more!

- Okay, enough. Enough!
- Okay.

Oh, yeah.

Merry Christmas, neighbor.

- Ooh, yeah.
- Mikey likey,

- Mikey likey, Mikey likey, Mikey likey...
- Yeah...

Oh! Where the hell
have you been?!

I was getting you food.

- Are you wearing braces?
- It's not braces.

It's a retainer
and it's not that bad.

- Ha, you look like a doofus!
- Doofus!

Doofus! Doofus!

Doofus! Doofus!
Doof...

Chris?

Mommy.

So pretty.

Honey, look what
just came for you.

It's a "Get well soon"
card from Jamie.

- Boo.
- Oh yeah?

What do you
think of that?

It's hugs and kisses, dude.
Mom writes that on my cards.

That's because
I love you both so much.

Thanks, Mommy.

Oh, God.

Truce!

Total pussy.

You're the biggest pussy
on planet Earth.

It's you.

- Hello?
- Jamie!

- Chris! How are you feeling?
- So much better.

Listen, I know
it's Christmas Eve,

- but do you have any plans tonight?
- No.

Well...

the revival theater
in town

is showing Nicholas Sparks's
"The Notebook."

- Hello? I'm on the phone.
- Really you want to see "The Notebook"?

Yes, because I love
sentimental tear-jerkers.

I'm gonna friggin' puke.

Just a second.

- You are so dead. Do you hear me?
- Whatever, dude.

- What're you doing over there?
- Faggot.

- Nothing.
- That's my call-waiting. One second.

- So, anyway...
- Hello?

- Hey, Jamie. It's Dusty.
- Hey, Dusty.

Hey, listen, just...

Dude, I think
she left you hanging.

It's probably just an important
business call. Get off the phone.

- What, the bar ran out of curly fries?
- Get off the phone.

Dude, are you gonna
boink Jamie tonight?

Yes.
Are you happy now?

All right.

- Dude, "The Notebook"'s so gay.
- Get off the phone!

- Sorry about that.
- That's okay.

- So anyway, what do you say?
- About what?

Going to a movie tonight?
Then maybe later

we can go for some...
herbal tea.

Okay, sure.

Um... You know what?
You're on my way to the theater.

Why don't I pick you up
at like 7:30?

- It's a date.
- Homo.

- Bye for now.
- Bye.

Mom! Mom! Truce!

Paris, here we come!

- But I'm not ready to play a gig.
- Of course you are.

No. No.

No!

- This is a bad idea, Chris.
- God, I'm so stupid!

- No you're not, baby.
- Here I am, trying to nurture this artist,

yet you're this
pop bubblegum sensation,

and that's okay.

Paris, here we come!

But I am an artist.
I am an artist!

Hey! I am an artist!

- Let's go do this.
- Are you ready for this?

I was born ready, bitch.

- I'm really excited about this.
- Yeah, me too.

- Yeah.
- Okay, let's do this.

Yeah.

- Hey! Wait! You're not coming with me?
- Of course I am.

Mike's just giving you
a ride to the gig.

I'm gonna stay here, I'm gonna do
some administrative work

and I'm gonna
meet you there.

It's open mic night
at The Coffee House.

Coffee House is lame, dude.
Come on...

all right!

Think fast. Boop!

¶ And I swear ¶

- ¶ By the moon and the stars... ¶
- Jesus.

- ¶ In the skies... ¶
- Looks like the Michael Bolton starter kit.

¶ I'll be there ¶

¶ And I swear ¶

¶ Like a shadow
that's by your side. ¶

Showtime.

Come on!
How long does it...

- Mistletoe.
- Hello.

- Oh my God!
- Jamie! How are you?

You've grown into such
a beautiful young woman,

hasn't she, Chris?

Ding-dong.

Dusty. Hey. Why?

Are you kidding, man?
I love "The Notebook".

I mean, listen,
I know it might sound

a little corny,
maybe even a little femme,

but I find something
so resplendent

in the simplicity of Nicholas Sparks'
writing, you know what I mean?

Nice outfit, by the way.
Rock and roll.

Carol?

Oh my God.

- Carol...
- Dusty, oh my goodness.

- This is old-home week.
- Oh, absolutely.

- Is it okay that Dusty came?
- Oh, it's awesome that Dusty came.

Thank you.
- Okay.

...in the hospital. We got...
- Dust!

Hey, let's hit the road.

Well, you kids
have fun.

Oh, Carol, why don't
you come join us?

She's vacuuming.

W-well, I'd love to, but l...
I wouldn't want to impose.

- Oh, no imposition at all!
- No.

We'd love to have you,
wouldn't we, Chris?

Yeah, rad.
Awesome.

Mom's coming.
That's good.

- There's a group now.
- Yes!

- It was us. It was us.
- Oh, my darling.

Oh my sweetheart.

I love you so much.

- How much time do we have?
- I'm not sure.

Last time it was no more
than five minutes.

I love you, angel.

What happened to me?

This is so gay.

Oh, Dusty...

Son of a bitch!

Peanut.

No.

¶ Forgiveness... ¶

Show us your tits!

- ¶ Is more than saying sorry. ¶
- Hey! Ashlee Simpson!

Forgive this!

Dusty, what kind
of car is this?

Carol, this little Japanese princess
here is called the Prius.

I think it's so neat
that you kids

care about
the environment.

- I love the environment.
- But honey, don't you drive

a Range Rover?
Aren't those bad?

Well, I had a really
nice time tonight,

and I hope we can
do it again soon.

Hey, Dusty,
thanks for comin'.

Oh, listen, man, it was
my pleasure, really.

Thank you all for having me.
It was so nice.

And hey, before I forget,
make sure

that you rinse that thing
at least twice a day, okay?

Your mouth is
a disgusting open cesspool

with germs and bacteria.
Now put that back!

- Christopher, put that back.
- Put it back!

Thanks.

Hey, anyone want
some cocoa?

Oh, Carol,
you are so sweet!

And I would love to do that,
except I volunteered at the hospital

so that Paul could spend
Christmas Eve with his family.

- So, I kinda gotta get going.
- Aw.

That's a drag. God!

Hey, Jamie,
what about you?

- Ready?
- Give me a Cougar roar. Cougar roar!

Aw.

Cookie Monster says
the Cougars are

great big cookies

at the top of the jar.

Ladies and Gentleman,
the amazing Chris Brander.

Oh my gosh,
I remember this.

He juggles three tennis balls,
but gets bored very quickly

and wants something else.

Clear!

Clear!

No kissing!

That's right, Jamie Palamino,

you're my best friend!

I love you, Chris Brander.
Mwha!

Mwha, mwha, mwha!

Oh, your mom's car.
You see, this is more like you.

Yeah, I'm gonna take it
back to L.A.

- What?
- Guess what I found?

- No, the tape I made you?
- 1995.

- "The Summer of Like."
- Put it in.

¶ Dun-nun-de-dun
de-dun-dun-dun ¶

Oh, God.

- Oh!
- Oh my God,

I just peed a little.

- Good night, guys.
- Good night, Chris.

What's up?

- Little problem.
- Where are you?

- The Metal Shop.
- What?!

- That's it, bitch. It's on!
- Come on!

I'm gonna kill you!
Not so funny now, bitch?!

- Not so funny now?!
- I'm sorry! I'm sorry!

¶ Christmas, Christmas,
the happiest day of the year... ¶

Kudos on the
Christmas cookies, Mom.

Thanks, pumpkin.
I'll be back in an hour.

¶ Where sleigh bells ringing
and go jingle-ling ¶

¶ As we're dashing
through the snow ¶

¶ Christmas, Christmas ¶

¶ So, Jesus,
hear our song... ¶

- What's up, Dude?
- Quiet, she's sleeping.

I'm going over
to Jamie's.

- Did you boink her yet?
- Shut it.

If she wakes up,
tell her I went to meet Bono.

- You're gonna meet Bono? I wanna come.
- No, you walking void,

it's a lie, but if she wakes up
just tell her I'll be back in a bit.

- Fine!
- Fine!

- I love you.
- I love you too.

¶ Christmas,
Christmas ¶

- ¶ The happiest day of the year ¶
- Mike!

Oh, God!

¶ Spreading
Christmas cheer ¶

¶ We wish you
a Merry Christmas ¶

¶ We wish you a Merry Christmas
and a Happy New Year ¶

This is pathetic!

¶ Good tidings we bring,
to you and your kin ¶

¶ Good tidings for Christmas ¶

- ¶ And a Happy New Year ¶
- Oh shit!

Thank you, guys.
Thank you.

Encore! Encore!
Encore!

Okay, all right,
one more time.

- One more time. Okay.
- Oh yeah!

Here we go.
You guys, you know,

Christmas is the time
for giving.

And the most precious gift
that you can give...

- is your heart.
- Aww.

Jamie Palamino,
this is my gift to you.

¶ When Jamie smiles ¶

¶ It takes me miles ¶

¶ From where I feel unsure ¶

¶ When Jamie smiles ¶

¶ I realize ¶

¶ She's no ordinary girl ¶

¶ No ordinary girl ¶

- Where's Chris?!
- I'll never tell you anything!

Oh yeah?

- He's with his lover.
- ¶ Deck the halls with bows of holly ¶

¶ 'Tis the season
to be jolly ¶

Dude, Jamie's outside.
What are you doing up here?

I'm getting my butt
kicked by Dinkleman,

that's what
I'm doing up here.

You see him play that guitar?
It's like he has 15 fingers.

Everybody loves him.
I can't compete with this guy.

You can't compete with this...
are you kidding me?

You're Chris Brander!
You're Hollywood. You date models!

He's Jersey.
He skis in his jeans!

It's Dinkleman.

It's Dusty Dinkleman.

- Dinkleman.
- Dinkleman.

- Dinkleman.
- Dinkleman!

- Dinkleman.
- Dinkleman's going down.

Dinkleman...
is going way down.

Atta boy.

Now you get out there
and you tell Jamie how you feel!

- Let's do this.
- Atta boy.

Good ol' Chris Brander,
ladies and gentlemen!

¶... Iooked down
on the Feast of Stephen ¶

¶ When the snow
lay round about ¶

¶ Deep and crisp
and even ¶

¶ Brightly shone
the moon that night ¶

¶ Though the frost
was cruel ¶

What the...

¶ It's the most wonderful
time of the year... ¶

The jig is up!
Run!

You son of a bitch!

Samantha!
You're here! Shit!

There she is.
There's the little slut

you've been
banging behind my back!

- Me?
- Not you, wrinkles. Her!

- Who are you?
- Oh...

- I'm Samantha James, bitch!
- Don't shove me!

- You're a whore! Santa's little whore!
- Get off!

- Santa's little whore!
- Cat fight!

- Get out!
- You're gonna pay for this.

I'm gonna get you fired!

Hope you enjoy
unemployment, dickweed!

Get off me, God boy!

But Samantha, What about the words
to your song? "Forgiveness"!

Forgive this, asshole.

Oh...

I hate this town!

Call me.

- Chris?
- Yeah.

- Little problem.
- Hm?

Duck!

- Ho-ho-ho! Ho-ho!
- No! Not Santa!

Whoa!
Flaming reindeer.

You don't see
that every day.

Hey Chris, it's Samantha.
I just talked to my sponsor

and I owe you
an apology.

It's Samantha...
Call me...

It's Samantha!

Hello, Joyce?

Joyce?

Go away.

Go away!

Mom, I said
I have a tummy ache.

Well that was
an interesting Christmas.

I'm sorry. I'll pay
for everything.

I'm not here
to collect.

What are you doing here?

I want to talk to the guy
who wrote me this.

- Want some more?
- No. Gallon's my limit.

Oh, excuse me if I'm not
one of your stick models.

"I'm Chris Brander. I hang out
with Good Charlotte and Pink.

- I go to Jay Z's birthday party..."
- Okay, okay. All right.

- Thank you very much. I get it. I was lame.
- Yeah.

Actually, I was nervous,
but, more importantly,

does this hat
make me look fat?

So...

is your life everything
you'd hoped it'd be?

I always thought that
if I had a huge career

and famous clients
and tons of money

that I'd be happy.

And the truth is...

I was right.

I love it.
Especially the money.

You're so bad!

What about you?

Let's put you in
the hot seat?

Where do you see
yourself in 10 years?

Um, well, I see
myself teaching.

And I see myself
getting married

and raising a family.

What?

It's gettin' late.

Why don't I
take you home?

Or...

I could sleep over
like old times.

God.

Hi.

- Here we are.
- Yeah.

Yeah.

This is it.

You're finally gonna have sex
with Jamie Palamino.

Oh God, look at that face.
Look at that body.

Why are you smiling
like a friggin' idiot?

Go on, make a move.

Make a move!

What's on your mind?

Bush.

President Bush,
The First Family, really.

Dude, you're killing me!

This is the girl of your
dreams. Ravish her!

But what if she doesn't
want to be ravished?

What if she wants to stay friends? Friends
don't ravish each other?

Friends watch
"New Year's Rockin' Eve."

I wonder who's
hosting this year?

Chris, can you put your feet on mine?
They're freezing.

Yeah.

Hell yeah.
Her feet aren't even cold.

This is it.

Don't even think about
how weird tomorrow's gonna be.

- Chris.
- Oh, God. Oh, God.

What're you doing?
Where're you going?

- Is everything all right?
- Oh, everything's fine.

Yeah. You okay? You need
another blanket or anything?

No, I'm fine.

You're not gonna make
a move, are you?

- Good night, Jamie.
- Good night, Chris.

You don't deserve a penis.

God, and we had
this great night

and we were laughing

and we were showing each other
old pictures and...

- Did he try anything?
- No!

- Did you try anything?
- No, but I put myself out there.

I mean, I wore
the sexy white shirt

and I did the whole cold-feet move
and we slept in the same bed.

What the hell is wrong with you?
I mean, why didn't you sleep with her?

- Oh, I know. I had her.
- I mean, are you two

on the same menstrual
cycle yet or what?

I don't know,
I don't know, I don't know.

Maybe I just don't compare
to these L.A. Girls.

Look, the timing just
wasn't right, you know?

I'm... I'm laying there.
I'm about to make my move

and then suddenly
it just hits me.

Where's this going?

What happens after
we sleep together?

Does she move to L.A.?
Do I move back here?

Jesus, Dude. I thought you just
wanted to sleep with her.

Maybe he just wants
to be friends.

Maybe he's gay.

I can't just sleep with Jamie Palamino.
We have a history.

- We're... we're... we're... we're...
- Friends.

God damn it!

I'm right back in high school again,
you know?

I gotta follow my own advice.
I gotta just walk away.

No, put me on the 3:00.

The sooner I get out
of here, the better.

- You sure about this?
- No.

¶ When Janice
smiles... ¶

- Janice?
- ¶ I realize ¶

¶ She's no ordinary ¶

¶ Girl. ¶

Hey listen.
I gotta hang out

with my friends
over there, okay?

- I'll talk to you tonight.
- Whoo!

- What's up, homies?
- You tell me.

- What's with the nurse?
- Oh, Janice.

Another bee
in the hive, my friend,

- just another bee.
- Well, what about Jamie?

What about her? I mean, hey,

it's great, right? Two biggest
geeks back in the day

now finally have a shot with the hottest
chick in high school?

- You can't write that stuff, my friend.
- Hey, are you kidding me?

Oh, come on, man.
Cut the nice guy routine.

I know what you're up to
and I am all for it.

I mean it is gonna be
sweet revenge on Jamie Palamino

for keeping us in the friend zone
all those years.

Oh, yeah, you wish you were
in the friend zone.

I was in the friend zone.
Friend zone's mine.

- Dusty, popcorn's ready.
- Copy that, I'm mobile.

- Listen, I gotta run.
- The man's juice!

You guys have a nice time.
It's been nice seeing you.

Have fun with Jamie. I know I will.
Clark, always a pleasure.

- Dinkleman.
- Son of a bitch.

So we're looking at
day cares.

And Darla's got this one picked
out for TJ and it's great.

And you know, don't get me wrong,
I want the best for my kid.

I mean he deserves
the best

but Tiny Tots is just too...
oh, Mariah Carey!

What the hell
are you doing?!

This is a
Pontiac Grand Prix!

I'm sorry, okay?!

But I can't let Dinkleman
get away with this!

I refuse to sit back and let Jamie
get used by another asshole!

You could've asked!
L.A. Guys are so dramatic.

- I'm sorry!
- Okay.

- ¶ Christmas, Christmas... ¶
- Oh my God.

You know, one good snowfall
and you won't see any of this.

¶ Where sleigh bells ringing
and go jingle-ling ¶

¶ Spreading
Christmas cheer. ¶

Hi, Mr. Palamino.
How are you?

Come to destroy
the rest of the house?

Look, I'm really sorry
about yesterday.

- Ho-ho-ho.
- And that.

Look, I know you hate me, but I need
to speak with Jamie. Where is she?

- She's gone off with Mr. Lee.
- Dry cleaner?

- No. Dusty, you jackass.
- Where are they?

- ¶ I've been workin' on the railroad... ¶
- No, Chris! This way.

¶ All the livelong day ¶

¶ I've been workin'
on the railroad ¶

¶ Just to pass
the time away ¶

¶ Can't you hear
the whistle blowing?

¶ Rise so early
in the morn' ¶

- Dinkleman!
- ¶ Can't you hear the captain shouting? ¶

- Chris, what're you doing here?
- I need to talk to you.

Dusty!

Yes!

- I really need to speak with you!
- This next number

- is for your favorite teacher and mine.
- Let's go.

She put this wonderful concert
together for all of us.

Give a big round of applause
to Miss Jamie Palamino.

¶ When Jamie smiles ¶

¶ It takes me miles ¶

¶ From where I've... ¶

God, I still can't believe
he wrote me that song.

Oh I can. He's been working on that song
since high school, remember?

It's like the stalker's
national anthem.

Not to mention I already heard
that song today,

only it was Janice's eyes
that made him smile.

- Janice? Who's Janice?
- A nurse with really big boobs

that works at the medical center. A girl
I saw him kissing earlier tonight.

Dusty's a Jersey player,
Jamie!

He's out
for revenge on you

for putting him in the friend zone
in high school.

What are you
talking about?

The guy's looking
for the anger bang!

Amazing! That's exactly
what he said about you.

- Don't you see what's happening here?
- Oh, I don't know.

The guy's just
out-playing me, that's all.

Oh, it's about you!
Now he's out-playing you!

- W-what am I, a game?
- No!

Would you guys like
to join us in a carol

- to celebrate the birth of our Lord?
- No!

My God, don't!
Dusty! Don't!

- Dinkleman!
- What is the matter with you?

This is a Christmas
concert for children!

- You liar!
- Suckster's not your boyfriend, is he?

- No, he's not!
- 'Cause we like Dusty.

Dusty! Dusty!
Dusty! Dusty!

Dusty! Dusty! Dusty...!

I'm being framed!
I'm being framed!

- Dusty!
- Dinkleman!

Man, when you come back to town,
you come back to town!

Look, don't sweat it.

W-w-we'll go
to The Maple tonight

You can apologize
to Jamie

and everything will be just...
just peachy.

Okay, yep, good.
Thanks, Clark, for everything.

See you in another 10 years.
Guess not.

How'd it go with Jamie last night?
You boink her?

That would be a no.

Raise you hand
if your brother's a homo!

All right.
Keep in touch!

You believe that?
Not one taxi, not one.

Stupid town.
I gotta take the bus!

Dude, bus sucks!

Yes!
I am outta here!

So long, Sucktown!
Kiss my ass!

Hey, Mr. Bus Driver Man.

Hey...

pull my finger.
Come on, pull my finger.

- Aw!
- Yoo-hoo!

- Great.
- Jamie!

- Whoa, miss, miss. W-w-whoa.
- What? What, what, wha...

- what, Chris? What do you want?
- I just want to apologize.

I'm sorry.
I was out of line, okay?

- You're an asshole.
- Oh, my... I was...

I'm gonna get you a cab
and take you home.

- She's so sensitive!
- You blew it. I'm winning.

- You're the Devil.
- So go ahead, just go sleep it off.

You'll be right as rain
in the morning, brother.

Chris, you're drunk!
Go home!

I'm not drunk.
What's this?

"Simply Dusty"

Is there any other kind?
That's adorable.

Do you know what else
is adorable? You two.

Hey! Stop bringing Dusty
into your problems, okay?

Dusty and I are fine.

- Dusty and I are friends.
- Right!

- Not for too long, I hope.
- Yeah...

Wait, what?

Slow down.
What did you just say?

Jamie, listen, I've been
meaning to talk to you.

L... about our
relationship.

Maybe we could take
the next step or something?

Dusty, can I be honest with you?

- I think you're a really nice guy.
- Thank you.

I think you're funny
and charming and sweet,

and I just don't have
those feelings for you.

- You're kidding.
- No.

Okay, 'cause... cause I wrote you
that song and everything,

you know, and I worked
really hard on it

and what kind of girl would you be if you
didn't put out for the guy that wrote

you that song, you know what mean?

F-this. I'm mobile.

I'm gonna miss him!

What?

Get off me, Chris!
Why are you here?

Why do you keep
messing with my head?

I messed with your head
for three days.

You've been torturing me
since the sixth grade!

So that's what
this is about?

Because I wouldn't screw you
in high school? Get over yourself!

Oh, after years of you
being the biggest tease,

trust me,
I'm so over myself.

Oh, so now
I'm the tease.

I practically
throw myself at you

the other night
and you did nothing!

And now you know
how it feels.

I'm outta here.

Yeah, there you go.
Just walk away like you always do!

Oh, no no no.
I'm-I'm not walking away.

I'm running back
to my great life in L.A.!

- Great. Well, have fun.
- Oh, you have fun...

being the girl
who peaked in high school.

You slap like a cheerleader.

Bye, Chris.

And stay out!

I've always wanted
to say that.

How did you
get in here?

My bodyguard
let me in.

I was making cookies.

Oh, I was trying
to be all domesticated

like that skank you were
banging behind my back.

Please leave me alone.

No, sh-sh-sh-sh!

Hugs and kisses!

It's all good, baby,
it's all good.

By making me jealous on purpose
you inspire me to write the best songs,

you know,
full of angst and hate!

You like that.
You and I are gonna be

the greatest musical
manager team

since Jessica Simpson
and her father...

only we get to "mreow"
and they can't,

'cause it's illegal.
I looked it up.

This is the new and improved
"Forgiveness."

¶ Forgiveness ¶

¶ Is more than
sayin' sorry ¶

Are you sorry?
Ha ha!

¶ Forgiveness. ¶

- No.
- No?

- No more.
- But I've forgiven you!

- It's just like the song...
- Sh-sh-sh-sh-sh-sh...

This isn't about you.

It's cool, you can have other girls.
I like girls.

Darla!

I don't want other girls.

I want one girl.

- That's not you.
- Hmph.

Look.
I'll call...

Ouch.

- Why don't you like me?
- It's a little hard to answer

with a taser in my balls!

This is about Santa's
little whore, isn't it?

Yeah, it's go time.

Hey, hey, hey!
It's not go time!

This isn't how it works,
Samantha.

You can't force or-or torture
someone into liking you.

The big speech.

No! You just have to put
yourself out there

and hope that they
like you back.

This isn't a game!
This is my life!

Oh, yeah, well,
this is my life!

Okay? I'm sorry.

I'm not the most
boring person ever!

Okay? I'm sorry
I'm not poor!

I'm sorry...

I'm sorry I don't
have a fat ass!

I'm sorry I'm not...
where're you going?

¶ Missed the last
train home ¶

¶ Birds pass by to tell me
that I'm not alone ¶

¶ Well, I'm pushing myself
to finish this part... ¶

Hey! Hey,
where is she?

¶ I handle a lot
walking on this ¶

¶ It's in your eyes,
open your eyes ¶

¶ Open eyes,
open your eyes ¶

¶ Open your eyes ¶

¶ Open your eyes. ¶

Hi.

Jamie.
Look, Jamie!

I said a lot of really crappy
things the other night

and I'm sorry about that.

I haven't been a very good friend
to you and I'm sorry, okay?

I just... the truth is
I'm-I'm afraid to be your friend

'cause I'm always
gonna want more.

But then I got
to thinking that-that

I'd rather have you in my life
as a friend than not at all.

You know what?
That's a lie too.

Why are you back here?

Because I want
to take you on a date.

And I don't care if it's
in the day or at night

or whenever, as long
as it's a real date.

And I want to tell you how beautiful
I think you are inside and out.

And I want to have
babies with you

and I want to marry you
and I love you.

Jamie, I always have.

Sorry. Just,...

20 years all at once!

Unbelievable!

Suckster's making out
with Mrs. P!

What is she thinking?

- Hey, Sarah, do you want my last cookie?
- Oh, thanks, Brett!

Joey, do you want
some of my cookie?

Don't mind if I do.

- You're such a good friend, Brett.
- The bestest!

Shit!

¶ I swear ¶

¶ By the moon
and the stars ¶

¶ In the skies ¶

¶ I'll be there ¶

¶ And I swear ¶

¶ Like the shadow ¶

¶ That's by your side ¶

¶ I'll be there ¶

¶ For better or worse ¶

¶ Till death
do us part ¶

¶ I'll love you with every
beat of my heart ¶

¶ And I swear ¶

¶ I'll give you
everything ¶

¶ I can ¶

¶ I'll build your dreams ¶

¶ With these two hands ¶

¶ We'll hang
some memories ¶

¶ On the walls ¶

- ¶ And when ¶
- ¶ And when ¶

¶ Just the two
of us are there ¶

¶ You won't
have to ask ¶

¶ If I still care ¶

¶ 'Cause as the time
turns the page ¶

¶ My love won't age
at all ¶

- ¶ And I swear ¶
- ¶ And I swear ¶

¶ By the moon
and the stars ¶

¶ In the skies ¶

- ¶ I'll be there ¶
- ¶ I'll be there ¶

- ¶ And I swear ¶
- ¶ And I swear ¶

¶ Like the shadow
that's by your side ¶

- ¶ I'll be there ¶
- ¶ I'll be there ¶

¶ For better
or worse ¶

¶ Till death
do us part ¶

¶ I'll love you with
every beat of my heart ¶

- ¶ And I swear ¶
- ¶ Oh, yeah ¶

¶ And I swear ¶

¶ By the moon
and the stars ¶

¶ In the skies ¶

- ¶ I'll be there ¶
- ¶ I'll be there ¶

¶ And I swear ¶

¶ Like the shadow ¶

- ¶ That's by your side ¶
- ¶ That's by your side ¶

- ¶ I'll be there ¶
- ¶ I'll be there ¶

- ¶ For better or worse ¶
- ¶ Better or worse ¶

- ¶ Till death do us part ¶
- ¶ Oh no ¶

¶ I'll love you with
every beat of my heart ¶

¶ And I swear ¶

¶ I swear ¶

¶ Oh, whoa, I... ¶

¶ Swear. ¶

Mike!

¶ Forgiveness ¶

¶ Is more than
saying sorry ¶

¶ Sorry sorry sorry ¶

¶ Forgiveness ¶

¶ Means accepting
people's flaws ¶

¶ Flaws flaws flaws ¶

¶ To forgive is divine ¶

¶ So let's have
a glass of wine ¶

¶ And have makeup sex ¶

¶ Until the end of ¶

¶ Time ¶

¶ Forgiveness ¶

¶ Does not mean
compromising ¶

¶ Let's forgive
and forget ¶

¶ And solve this
African debt ¶

¶ Just like
the Cheshire Cat ¶

¶ Who says, "Mreow!
You're running out of time!" ¶

¶ Time time time time time,
wreeow! ¶

¶ Forgiveness ¶

You'll always be
fat to me, Chris!

¶ Forgiveness ¶

God damn it!
Come on, Dusty.

¶ Forgiveness ¶

Not happy!

¶ Forgiveness ¶

Hello, Joyce? Joyce?

Oh my God!

Then said Jesus,
"Father, forgive them

for they know
not what they do."

If you haven't forgiven yourself
something, how can you forgive others?

I won't apologize.

I don't forgive you.

You can forgive,
but you can't forget.

Where are you?

¶ Forgiveness ¶